The Alchemical Process.

What I see activates all of my triggers at once. The sorrow that I’ve carried, all that I’ve been, lived, believed, felt and regretted comes up at once and I react by kneeling in front of the mirror immediately. My thoughts go to war, telling me to stop this nonsense and to just take it easy – continuing with my life, my pleasures and to forget all of this stupidity – but something inside of my fights against it.

I have always been afraid of this – meeting myself. Listening to the thoughts of murmur, of sorrow and despair. Al that I have lost. How can one carry all that one has lost? I have never found the answer, and thus I am terrified of knowing myself.

Knowing what, exactly? My weak spots? My past? I realize that it is just the pain itself in its most sincere and pure form. The pain that tears on me, day in and out, more when I am tired less when I am more relaxed. The pain itself is indeed terrifying, and I have no idea how to cope with it.

It is then I start to wonder about the meaning of life itself. Why live when you carry so much pain?  So much pain that it apparently is too much to bear. I could never find the answer, maybe until now. Something starts to make sense inside of me. When feelings and thought-patterns gather to form words, pictures, and precise, abstract meanings.

It is as if I hear the feeling talk:
“If you do not feel the pain you cannot feel the joy.”

I am in awe as I sit there on my knees, trying to take gentle, controlled breaths. This is how it is. The pain is a part of duality inside of humanity, and, thus, is the reason of why we feel joy the way we do.
Without darkness, one cannot see the light. Without light, one cannot understand the shadows. It is all apparent, profound and touching.

As I experience the merging of this thought-pattern and sudden feeling, I relax more than I’ve ever done before, a new freedom emerges from inside. The blue mirror melts away, and so do the cave walls. They change color to a tone of golden sun, and I feel like I am a thousand light-years easier than before. A thousand light-years of relief.

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 8

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