The Alchemical Process.

What I see activates all of my triggers at once. The sorrow that I’ve carried, all that I’ve been, lived, believed, felt and regretted comes up at once and I react by kneeling in front of the mirror immediately. My thoughts go to war, telling me to stop this nonsense and to just take it easy – continuing with my life, my pleasures and to forget all of this stupidity – but something inside of my fights against it.

I have always been afraid of this – meeting myself. Listening to the thoughts of murmur, of sorrow and despair. Al that I have lost. How can one carry all that one has lost? I have never found the answer, and thus I am terrified of knowing myself.

Knowing what, exactly? My weak spots? My past? I realize that it is just the pain itself in its most sincere and pure form. The pain that tears on me, day in and out, more when I am tired less when I am more relaxed. The pain itself is indeed terrifying, and I have no idea how to cope with it.

It is then I start to wonder about the meaning of life itself. Why live when you carry so much pain?  So much pain that it apparently is too much to bear. I could never find the answer, maybe until now. Something starts to make sense inside of me. When feelings and thought-patterns gather to form words, pictures, and precise, abstract meanings.

It is as if I hear the feeling talk:
“If you do not feel the pain you cannot feel the joy.”

I am in awe as I sit there on my knees, trying to take gentle, controlled breaths. This is how it is. The pain is a part of duality inside of humanity, and, thus, is the reason of why we feel joy the way we do.
Without darkness, one cannot see the light. Without light, one cannot understand the shadows. It is all apparent, profound and touching.

As I experience the merging of this thought-pattern and sudden feeling, I relax more than I’ve ever done before, a new freedom emerges from inside. The blue mirror melts away, and so do the cave walls. They change color to a tone of golden sun, and I feel like I am a thousand light-years easier than before. A thousand light-years of relief.


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 8

The Blue Mirror.

I laugh, so heartfelt, while I play in the snow – that is not cold, nor raw, just warm, soft and gentle. My face is all numb after all the smiling, surely this isn’t something I am used to – smiling and laughing.

It occurs to me that I am baffled by myself. Why did I make a snowman? When I know that Universe consists of so much more than human beings – why did it have to be three balls on top of each other? Why not something else?

I laugh out so that the snow catches my echoes and makes the sound intimate. It is of course because of my abilities. That I hardly can make something with my hands, unless I write. I am though very pleased with my little heap of snowballs.
When placed with a light source, it will glow nicely. I love glowing objects. How they make my soul come alive in moments of my life.

My eyes look for something which I don’t know what is. I find it odd, so I just keep looking even though I feel a bit dumb. My “inner critique” suddenly pops up and tells me to leave this place immediately.

“Oh, so I am on the track of something then,” I answer to my own thoughts, chuckling of how I stand here and talk to myself.

I do, however, follow the instinct and begin to walk. Past the snowman and heap, past the house as well until I find a hole in the ground. It glows of blue. I just continue to walk towards the tunnel with stairs following the cave down some meters. I am not afraid, and I find that very strange.

It looks like I am in a glowing, blue cave of some kind. The walls seem to live, talk, the light pulses vary, but never in an intimidating way.

At the end of the first hall, I can see a mirror standing there on two, blue feet. I have to study this in detail, and so I walk towards it, slowly and carefully.

There, I see something that I’ve never seen before, and it pierces through me like dark, cold triggers on a very weak night.

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 7

The room without being there.

As I walk out of the Observatory, on my way to the cozy fireplace, I turn left to walk beside the Fence of Memory. When I do, it instantly starts to blink – and it looks like it is being turned on like a television – the screen showing the universe zoomed out until it stops at something odd: it looks like a library floating out in space!

I have to stop and study this phenomenon. When I reach out my hand to try touch it, it feels hard and solid, and I realize that I am touching one of the shelves. It spins lightly around like it never reaches the ground, and when I grab the front of the shelf, it is instantly locked to my hand. When I take my hand back again, it immediately releases itself from my “grasp.”

I now try to take out a book, and a purple one follows. I read the front of it: “Self Worth.” I take the book with me as I walk back to the fireplace.

Wait – what fireplace? When I enter the room that I previously warmed myself in, where I ate a cup and drank a heavenly drink – it is no longer there. Instead, I am outside – but I am not cold. The tons of snow that I walk in isn’t raw, and I bend down to touch it: the same as I felt in the beginning – soft and warm and very mysterious!

I look around. It seems like I am in a garden. When I walk past some trees with layers of snow on them – I see a house with warm and inviting windows. I stare at the windows: inside I can see my living room, with the fireplace and everything that I have decorated. I walk around the house to find the door. But there is nothing there.

The fireplace crackles like it did – and I can’t get in there. I start to walk around in the garden to see what it is that I can do.

Halfway desperate I stand there without knowing what to do. It looks like the fireplace crackles like it did – and I can’t get in there. I start to walk around in the garden to see what it is that I can do.

I smile when I start to collect the snow that acts like it wants to be molded into some shape. I laugh a little, and then I begin to sing.


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 6

A Game of Riddles

I feel embarrassed as soon as I realize that I have no idea about anything this day. That I actually know so little, and apparently, I should have known more.

I continue to stand there before I look down at the floor: nebulas are floating around inside of the tiles, they travel distances here, and there, circling, unifying, dividing.

Then I suddenly hear it. The silence. The profound feeling of going to the first desk to look at what the man was looking at moments before. I find myself missing this stranger that understood me so well, perhaps more than I have ever realized myself.

I bend over the desk while I slowly open the scroll on it.

There, poem shines in a golden bronze glow:

You may be all alone
here at your Cosmic Throne
remember: be aware,
how we always are there
and that this is your place:
but other’s people’s grace.

I stop to reflect on those words, and I study the walls of the Observatory: more like bookshelves following the round shape of the building. My eyes widen: these are all books about the stars? The fascination rise in me, and I shake my head to continue to concentrate.

Soon I walk over to the other desk, looking at the second scroll the man was studying. There I see a beautiful drawing of several round shapes. They are different and contain different things. One of them includes a church. Another one looks like a beautiful garden. The third is full of stars and nebulas.

Only two words are glowing, almost floating from the scroll:
Go back.

I immediately understand, and I turn around to run back to the cozy fireplace.

If it is a riddle-game he wants, he is getting one!


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 5


A bronzed telecope and a storyline in the stars.

The smell of the room witnesses an era of great wisdom. The man walks into the Observatory in front of me, managing around like he built the place. He lits fire in some ancient lamps, and the smell immediately fills the air and reminds me of long lost memories I’ve never had.

He continues into the end of the round room – bending over a desk with some scrolls on it. Then he nods and continues over to another desk.

I stand at the entrance, suddenly realizing that this is my place and that I should have known it the way he does. I also realize that I’ve never touched these scrolls before, nor have I been here. Who has then?

I hear him chuckle, and say: “That is why I am here!”

He turns around, and he smiles at me. I am beginning to get used to his soft, radiant smiles and before I open my mouth to ask what he means, he points up to the stars.


I walk slowly towards the bronzed telescope. The minute I touch it, the roof starts to move away silently. The sparkling sky sings to me, and I stand in awe to study the glimmering lights, all talking to me at the same time.

Tiny little stories, so far away, yet so very close.

I look into the telescope, and I see:

Glittered nebulas, songs of fog and skies
meteorites dancing through vacuum of stories
and I see golden, radiant lights,
pulsating, some smaller than others,
they are like little bronze bubbles
and I open my mouth to ask
what it is
but I cannot seem to find
any sound on my tongue.

I step back from the telescope, suddenly laughing, standing there with my mouth open, nothing to say, I am empty of words but full of fascination and awe!

Yes, and isn’t that wonderful, my dear? Hold onto that thought, for now, it begins!

He snaps his fingers, and suddenly the man is gone. I turn around several times but for no use. I find myself continuing to laugh as I have no idea what to do next.


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 4

When I taste the cup, something happens inside of me.

The red cup tastes like heaven. Yes, seriously. The red cup as well. The liquid was something that I never had tasted before in my life, and I will most likely not reencounter its wonders in this lifetime – how could I even try to describe it?

Better than any honey. Or chocolate, or caramel, or hazelnut, or chocolate mousse, or any sweet thing on the market. And as for this marshmallow – it wasn’t a marshmallow but even softer, and it actually tasted healthy and wonderful at the same time.

“It is the best one, isn’t it?” he says and points at my cup with a chuckle. I continue to chew the handle, and as I begin to finish, I try to eat at a prolonged rate.

I nod, and say “Yes.”

I’ve actually forgotten that he is here for a reason, as if he belonged here and that I just realized that, but then he suddenly gets to the point.

“You really don’t know why I am here, do you?”

He smiles like before, but as I look at him, I see that something worries him, and it floats slowly out from his eyes, enough for me to pick it up and to see that something is wrong.

I do, however, not say anything about that. I can’t, because the words I want to say are stuck in my mouth, under my tongue, below the amazement of how profoundly real this feels.

I only manage to shake my head, and add “No?” 

He stands up and walks to the window. Looking out to the stars.

“Do you know who I am?”

I shake my head again, but as he is standing there with his gaze to the stars, I add a new “No.” 

“I want to show you something,” he then answers, and before I get to ask him about anything at all – he walks out of the cozy living room, out to my Fence of Memory, and besides it all the way to one of the ends. I look up to the building standing there, tall above us. The Dome is of silver and it reflects back the sparkles from the stars this evening.

“The Observatory”, I whisper as I follow him inside.


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 3

It is like my Christmas Corner is filled with ancient, fresh steam

Should I feel afraid? In a second I stop to feel. I close my eyes and breathe in. No threat. As usual – this is my sacred place so nothing can really harm me here.

So who is this guy? I study him in silence and he chuckles.

“Good morning! You must have had a profound and deep night’s sleep, you are quite receptive today!”

I continue to stare at him. I do not smile, nor do I say anything. I take a piece of the caramelized apple while I study him in detail. The apple tastes wonderful and the flavors dance in my mouth. I fight hard to hide the satisfaction.

The man chuckles a bit more, comes in, takes off his cape and hangs it on the coat stand. Now I notice that he has a scepter as he lets it rest against the surface of his cape.

I suddenly realize that this is my place and that I am the host. I shake my head a little, bow my head a nanosecond and show him with my arm to join me by the fireplace. He smiles, even more with radiating eyes and a sound I can hear coming from his soul. It is a most harmonious song, and I feel at ease when I listen to it.

The man takes a caramelized apple and joins me at my table. I sit down, suddenly staring at the red and sparkling golden tablecloth, the golden shadow from a white-silvered candle, and his one hand just staying still some 15 centimeters over the table, palm facing down.

While I blink and not blink, the air is in a spot replaced by a red cup with golden decorations. Inside, it steams a liquid light brown, and suddenly a white square pops out and gently floats inside of the liquid.

I stare at the object, my mouth open and I realize how I must look so I close it again. He chuckles again, and I look up at him.

“Do you want me to make one for you as well?” he asks, while it looks like he is having a lot of fun on my behalf.

“Yes, please,” I say, and feel it tickles in my stomach.


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 2

In the Christmas Corner a crackling fireplace is lit.

I don’t know why, but this day I walk into my Backyard with snow on all of me: I am in need of stomping the ground several times and this gives me a feeling of dancing – I want to dance, I want to feel free again.

Wait – again? Why do I need to feel free again? What happened with my freedom? I reflect on this as I take off my coat and hang it on a most wonderful coat stand – it is in light bronze and is filled with snow, or at least it looks like snow, for when I touch it – it only feels warm and very soft.

I take some of the “snow” with me, touching it calms me, it makes my hands soft and my heart numb and that feels wonderful at this time. I understand that I need to feel calm, relaxed. The furniture is inviting me to come closer to the fireplace, and I do come closer, I sit down in one of the groups and quite puzzled I look around: did I make all this? Sure, I have used this place for several years now – a sanctuary to escape into when things are so dark that I can feel this way too familiar rock bottom. I’ve even been underneath rock bottom, in some periods of my life I was wondering how far down I really could come. Still, I do, but not with hatred anymore. I always carry a lantern with me, and always a mirror!

If my Backyard has taught me anything it is that it is never worth it to hate yourself for your own, or other’s mistakes. Because in the long run, it does not matter who did wrong. It matters how to react, and this, one can only do in one’s own self.

As I look at the shelf above the fireplace, I see some caramelized apples on a tray, sprinkled with green mint and a little bit of salt.

I stand up to take one, as I hear a voice. It comes from a man with golden, brown beard, and he wears red and gold-colored clothes. The man smiles at me, and he bows politely:

“Ah! There you are, Little One, I was waiting for you.
Seems like you got my message!”

I look at the man with wide eyes. I could not remember getting any messages.


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 1


My breath is quite intense and raw, I shout, I scream; Alèe!
This was not how it was supposed to go, my Dear Alèe!
Oh God, what dreadful, vile disaster!
My one and Only; Dearest Master!
Lying there with eyes all clear
but pale, these dark membranes
do no more reflect those thoughts
of wisdom once conveyed.

What now, what now, what now?! I scream: what more is now to come?
all of the things we fought for – in a blink of eye is gone!
Oh God, he’s lifeless, Dearest Master!
Our work is silenced – vile disaster!
All we worked for, all we did
for Earth, for our future worth
this was answers to us all
but now it lies in dirt.

Alèe! Alèe! My Dear Alèe! I shout, I scream, I cry:
How could they break their savior’s jar! I sob, I weep, I wry.
My Dearest Master! Dearest Soul Friend!
How could this day be our tragic end!
While humans dance for freedom
a broken heart remarks
they’ve only ruined for themselves!
They’ve killed their inner sparks!


My very first Elegy inspired by Walt Whitman’s

“O Captain! My Captain! “

In Seventh Hour

In seventh hour, waters scour
metals scream in great devour
rusty trinkets, sugared links: sits
well with people at Precinct

Quite distinct!

So, life is hunting, fights, confronting
looking for that special something
some admitting, slightly splitting
what you find in junk with spry

Questions why…

Well, answers lying, purifying
under facts of horrifying
social structures, ruined cultures
made Precinct a roughened place

Such disgrace!

Those Links of Sweet, intense transmissions
creating fresh, dulcet fissions
like these straws of gentle floaty
giving metals mental chew

As for you?

You are link of other flavors that
will give the humans favors as
a break of silence, balanced pact
a new alliance,
in defiance
you are genius math
that will lead these people on a path
to golden science
bridge to something more intact

so dearest reader
who will also be their leader:
stay put for your next act!

“In Seventh Hour”
Published and made on video on YouTube

My journey to myself is never quite as you imagine it to be. Moving the world, one text at a time.