Tag Archives: inner journey

Roof of Glass and Sorrow.

“You know it is time for you to write My Cosmic Backyard, don’t you? May I ask why my Dear Friend postpones?”

I stare at my friend with an open mouth, stunned by the question.

“I… don’t know. I want to, but…”

T’lar smiles at me. He bows.

“You are afraid that your human family will disapprove of you.”

I don’t know what to answer. I know he is right.

“You have to understand this now – not every human on Earth will love you. Or like you. It is not constructed that way. When you take place into the light, the contrasts will show.”

I shake my head. “I just don’t understand why it has to be like that. I start to not care about being liked or not, I mean how things are constructed. Why do I have to take place? Why can’t I just create and be happy? And then the rest will follow? Not fame, or admiration but just being here, doing what you like? I know our system is constructed to make us feel weak, vulnerable, in danger, imprisoned. Why can’t we just be free… safe… with endless possibilities?”

Although he is under me, I can see his eyes clearly. I observe how the universe speaks in them, and his warm smile against me makes me believe that the universe truly loves me.

“You are here for a reason. You have to trust. You have to show faith. You just have to. Not because there is any God who demands it – but because you create your own reality every day. As long as you don’t believe in yourself – so it is done! You are here for your own life. You have but one compass – your inner guide, your inner feelings. Follow them!”

As I look down, I am in tears. I have seen so much pain. So much sorrow. I remember it – piercing through my body like aching, moaning scars. I could never do anything about it – only watch and observe. I wanted to give myself the blame, but how can one try to assign responsibility to a child? It’s all a lie because I just cannot comprehend, nor understand the pain.

“But is this an excuse for not doing what you want, Victoria?”

He bows to me, and the herbs that I hold float up, then down, landing in one of his hands.

“Let the herbs show you the way. Write about this. Then, you have a long journey in front of you!”

It feels better. I nod. “Why haven’t you said this to me before? Why now?”

T’lar chuckles.

“My Dear. You asked for it. And so I answered.”

He turns around to go but turns back. Looks at me for a long time.

“You know, they never really asked for help. If they had asked for it, for help, like in truth, like in really “I need help to solve this task, I need assistance as a grown-up human being – solving my own challenges” – they would have. But they didn’t. They never did. They only believed that they weren’t worthy of such help. And so they prayed – but they prayed in the most typical manner:

“Lord, I do not deserve your love, but I do ask for help, help me from this suffering, help me. I cannot stand this anymore.” but what did they really say?

They said: “I do not approve of myself. I am not worthy. I want you to show me that I am worthy.” But one cannot ask others for something that they cannot do themselves. They got their lives as gifts from the universe. First, they need to approve those gifts. It’s the law of the universe. And the question is: are you going to do the same? Are you going to hate yourself the same way they did?

As he turns around to go, I can feel his hand on my back. How that is possible with the distance between us, I don’t know. But I do let myself fall down from the glass roof, I land on the floor beneath me. It doesn’t hurt. I just lie there in a pile of deep, deep sorrow. I know I have to let them go now. I know it is time.

And that makes me cry even more.

Cosmic Backyard’s Delayed Christmas Calendar 2017 //
Cosmic Journey:
Christmas Corner Part 19

Self-Worth and Herbs.

I breathe in slowly, close my eyes and try to focus on the task. As I breathe, I work hard with keeping my hands steady, breathing in warmth through them, out to this individual on the floor. I must remember how to breathe in, to choose the way of breathing. As I feel the air filling my lungs, I get the sensation of relaxing. My hands are warm, and the connection between this person lying there and me is tied up with threads of energy.

Then, I peek. I look at the two others who are sitting there, consumed by their concentration. I feel how they are centered – their mere presence makes me calm and content. That is when it hits me – I do not belong here – I am not good enough for this task – I am not enough.

The patient gasps, his eyes open, it looks like he is in great pain. The other two wake up from their trance – they look at him, comfort and keep him down and steady – but I, I want to withdraw my hands. Something keeps me in place, though. This feeling of not wanting to abandon me again. I have done that so many times before, each time more painful than the other – but I can change, and I want it to be different from now on. I know I cannot keep too big promises as I am a mere human being – but I can have the will and the true wish of wanting to change.

The picture dissolves. The temple is gone, so is the patient and the other two Therapists. I am left kneeling on a field of grass, summer wind touches my hair, sun laughs at my skin. I have a yellow dress, I want to stand up, but instead, I let myself fall to the ground – My face rests in the grass straws, some flowers, a couple that I have seen before – others not. I smell, I let my hands and fingers dig into the soil and roots, I release out a relieved sigh as I feel that I belong.

When I roll around to face the sky and its answers, I see the last therapist stand there, looking down at me with a smile. I get up. In his hands, I can see several plants – or herbs – peeking up from his fingers.

“It is good to have decided to want to change. The question is: what to do next? Not to get caught up in that question forever – just for a little while.”

He hands me the herbs, and as I feel their consistency within my hands, the landscape changes once again. Now, I sit on a roof, made out of glass. I can see my own Cosmic Backyard from here – my cozy fireplace, the observatory, the alien herbarium at the very beginning of the guiding tour… Those three herbs sparkle in a way, I have to pick them up and study them. Three different shapes, characteristics. While one is transparent, the other is light red, and the third is more of a purple color.

As I study the herbs in my hands, I notice that someone is looking at me from the antique living room. I can see that it is my very old alien guide and great friend – T’lar.

Cosmic Backyard’s Delayed Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 18