Darker aspects.

“You are not as I believed you to be,” it says.

It. Her. Me? 

It looks just like me! Well, except the thing with transparent nature, grey color and very dark areas under “my” eyes.

“Oh?” I manage to reply.

She floats, turns upside-down and looks at me with a most peculiar look.

“Well – as I am supposed to be your darker aspects, all that you don’t want to see or acknowledge with yourself – I expected you to be… the lighter aspects of… well, you.“

“What… do you mean?”

She turned around a bit, looked at the little shack. I noticed her embarrassed face from the back of her head since I could see through her.

“Ah, I don’t want us to get off to a bad start, after all, I am something one is not supposed to love or embrace, so I thought I wanted to give you a really good first impression. Silly me to always say what I think and feel, one should be more polite, I need to train those skills.”

She stops. Looks at me, bows and says:

“You are most welcome to my home, dearest. Long time, no see! Would you like me to get you something?”

I follow her in as I don’t have the conscience to say that she can’t make me anything, but I stop when I see her take something down from a little shelf and begins to cook in a kettle.

Instead, I try to start a new conversation.

“So. You are my darker aspects…?”

She nods and smiles. The dark areas under her eyes make it look scary.

“Yes, I am! I am you – at your service! You came to me for a reason and I know you are curious about just that. You are here because of your negative thought patterns. Mostly, because you think you can save the world.You think that you alone are the answer to all. I have to inform you that this is not correct.”

She sighs and looks down at the kettle.

“I guess we can wave goodbye to that great first – and second impression, right?”

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 12

A graveyard of thoughts.

“Ready for what?” I ask, suddenly with a bit of suspicion. I notice how one of the socks at the fireplace seems to disappear, being back again at the next moment.

I can see that his eyes are going back to that little bit of worried express that I saw some time ago. He looks at me with an almost nostalgic smile.

“You know that humanity isn’t doing very well, right? How you have failed oh so many tests up to now – most of all because you all find yourselves to be the hopeless cause?”

I nod, experiencing a mix of worry as I remember the state Earth is in, as well as loads of confused thoughts fighting to get out.

The man stops smiling. He looks down at his hands. “As long as you give up on yourself there is nothing we can do to help. If you don’t want to, we cannot do.”

His words confuse me. I look at him with narrowed eyes, trying to extract all the essence of his thoughts.

“The only thing we can do is to talk to those who want to listen.”

I feel an urge to fight against myself. I don’t want to know about this. I don’t want to understand, nor take a statement in this. I suddenly feel powerless and weak.

But when I listen because of his strong eyes, because of this place where I am completely free, safe an in control of myself and my environment – I can hear what he is saying. Humanity has lost its way. The path we are taking now is filled with fear, pain, and uncertainty. Of a loss of knowledge. Loss of contact.

I understand what he is saying.

“You can never save us.”¨

He shakes his head. “No, but that was never the intention. If you are going to take a step up on the evolutionary latter, you’ll have to take care of yourselves.”

I laugh. A sharp laughter this time. “We can barely be polite to each other. We kill and make others suffer. We are weak, all of us!”

He nods, and I find it difficult to stay in focus. “Indeed. But you must not forget all the good things happening all the time as well. It doesn’t help to lose hope. That is one of the downward spirals for humanity as a whole.”

I try to breathe deeply in and out. To keep calm and in balance. I notice that he looks at me with clear eyes. And he says:

“It looks like you have two more steps to go. It was difficult to tell, but now I do understand. You need to get past those first. It will be better, I promise. Just remember that you are in a safe place. This is the discovery of yourself.”

Then, in a poof, the man is gone again. So is the living room – the fireplace and the cosmic feelings. I suddenly stand in a graveyard.

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 11

About being ready.

This time, my little living room is even more decorated: socks hanging from the fireplace – they are dark/velvet blue with loads of glitter on them – making them look like they are the Cosmic Well of Wishes themselves.

I look up, and I see loads of festoons, shining in dark red and gold. I breathe in and smell something that reminds me of gingerbread.

The most breathtaking is though something completely else – I look out of the windows. Somehow the doors next to the porches are closed, and outside I can only see darkness, stars sparkling and a moon shining where the reflection is not in the way.

“What?!” I express, as I walk to one of the windows. I press my nose to the glass, framing my eyes with my hands – and I see snow – loads of snow.

“Isn’t it marvelous? I mean, how the mind works? You could make a life for yourself just staying here. You have done your visualizations so nicely, you are tuned in as much as a human being can be. But this is not the reason for you being here – is it?”

I turn around, for the first time studying him like someone I really know. In a way, I remember him. I remember this mysterious man, but the memories sit in my heart, even longer inside of me – from the point of where I cannot describe it anymore. From a very profound and indescribable place.

“How can I be… this good at visualizing? Why? I chose this. Why?”

The man chuckled. He walked towards the fireplace, sitting down in a similar chair like the one where we ate cups.

“This is your place. You invited me as well. So – you tell me!”

I feel stuck. I suppose, in a way – I am. If I did invite this man over to my very own sanctuary, it had to be for a reason. But I didn’t know that. Whatever it was, it had to be significant.

“Tell me. Why are you alive?”

The question struck me with fear. Why would he ask me about that?

“I… guess it is because I love to live? I do love my life sometimes. I love it deep and profoundly when those moments occur.”

He nods. Looks into the sparkling fire. I know he understands.

“Tell me more,” he encourages, almost spiritually lifting me up in the air with the gestures that he makes.

I look at the fire myself. The way it crackles. The way the sound of the fire speaks to me, my warm cheeks, my pulsating heart.

I close my eyes. I speak.

“It is because I was and still am in love with life.The way it happens. The way Universe creates itself. I know how it can speak – and it speaks directly to me. Through me. My heart’s voice is of cosmos, we are all of Cosmos, and I am allowing it to happen. I am here because of that. Because of what I know.” 

He smiles again. While nodding, he looks at me. His eyes sparkle in light-blue, like the ice on the horizon on a cold day. The fresh type.

“Yes. We know. And we also know that you are ready for this.”

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 10

The Relief.

The mirror disappears, and the cave transforms into something ordinary, and this makes me feel that I am not supposed to stay there any longer.

Although I do just that – I stay, and I let it sink. All that I’ve learned. All that I’ve been up until this point in time. Then I start to look around. What now? Feeling relieved and thankful I climb the stairs only to come out to an entirely different setting: the garden that blossoms in green and unique colors!

I am in awe once again, and I slowly walk against the house, finding it not only open but with a porch as well. I hear birds singing and music of plant life. When I come to the front of the house, I see the snowman and the little heap from before, still standing there – now looking like glass.

I am about to go to touch them to find out when I hear a familiar voice.

“Well done! The first of three! That is always the most unfamiliar and scary one yet you did it like you’ve had no problems with those before?”

The mysterious man is back, standing on another porch at the front. The doors, which weren’t there before – are wide open, and I see curtains blowing in the wind that I cannot feel.

I focus on the question. Suddenly I hear myself answering him.

“I have… done a lot of self-development in my life. Because I’ve had to. It was about survival, but I didn’t know that at the time. Now I know that it was all about being able to stand through the pain.”

He nods. I know that he already knows, but I don’t see why I think that.

“In your perspective, it may look like that, yes. Since the living humanoids on Earth cling to every breath they are given – as is the point, too – they do have that tendency to feel that all is about survival – when fear kicks in.”

I continue to stand there, silent. Reflecting on his last sentence, when he speaks again.

“Did you know that your fireplace is still crackling in your Christmas Corner?”

I raise my eyebrows. This was supposed to be about my Christmas Corner, and here I stand in the middle of a bloomy garden. I know that snow is my personal preferment, but anyhow I find it odd.

“Why not go inside and talk about it?” He says, leading me the way in with his arm.

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 9

The Alchemical Process.

What I see activates all of my triggers at once. The sorrow that I’ve carried, all that I’ve been, lived, believed, felt and regretted comes up at once and I react by kneeling in front of the mirror immediately. My thoughts go to war, telling me to stop this nonsense and to just take it easy – continuing with my life, my pleasures and to forget all of this stupidity – but something inside of my fights against it.

I have always been afraid of this – meeting myself. Listening to the thoughts of murmur, of sorrow and despair. Al that I have lost. How can one carry all that one has lost? I have never found the answer, and thus I am terrified of knowing myself.

Knowing what, exactly? My weak spots? My past? I realize that it is just the pain itself in its most sincere and pure form. The pain that tears on me, day in and out, more when I am tired less when I am more relaxed. The pain itself is indeed terrifying, and I have no idea how to cope with it.

It is then I start to wonder about the meaning of life itself. Why live when you carry so much pain?  So much pain that it apparently is too much to bear. I could never find the answer, maybe until now. Something starts to make sense inside of me. When feelings and thought-patterns gather to form words, pictures, and precise, abstract meanings.

It is as if I hear the feeling talk:
“If you do not feel the pain you cannot feel the joy.”

I am in awe as I sit there on my knees, trying to take gentle, controlled breaths. This is how it is. The pain is a part of duality inside of humanity, and, thus, is the reason of why we feel joy the way we do.
Without darkness, one cannot see the light. Without light, one cannot understand the shadows. It is all apparent, profound and touching.

As I experience the merging of this thought-pattern and sudden feeling, I relax more than I’ve ever done before, a new freedom emerges from inside. The blue mirror melts away, and so do the cave walls. They change color to a tone of golden sun, and I feel like I am a thousand light-years easier than before. A thousand light-years of relief.

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 8

The Blue Mirror.

I laugh, so heartfelt, while I play in the snow – that is not cold, nor raw, just warm, soft and gentle. My face is all numb after all the smiling, surely this isn’t something I am used to – smiling and laughing.

It occurs to me that I am baffled by myself. Why did I make a snowman? When I know that Universe consists of so much more than human beings – why did it have to be three balls on top of each other? Why not something else?

I laugh out so that the snow catches my echoes and makes the sound intimate. It is of course because of my abilities. That I hardly can make something with my hands, unless I write. I am though very pleased with my little heap of snowballs.
When placed with a light source, it will glow nicely. I love glowing objects. How they make my soul come alive in moments of my life.

My eyes look for something which I don’t know what is. I find it odd, so I just keep looking even though I feel a bit dumb. My “inner critique” suddenly pops up and tells me to leave this place immediately.

“Oh, so I am on the track of something then,” I answer to my own thoughts, chuckling of how I stand here and talk to myself.

I do, however, follow the instinct and begin to walk. Past the snowman and heap, past the house as well until I find a hole in the ground. It glows of blue. I just continue to walk towards the tunnel with stairs following the cave down some meters. I am not afraid, and I find that very strange.

It looks like I am in a glowing, blue cave of some kind. The walls seem to live, talk, the light pulses vary, but never in an intimidating way.

At the end of the first hall, I can see a mirror standing there on two, blue feet. I have to study this in detail, and so I walk towards it, slowly and carefully.

There, I see something that I’ve never seen before, and it pierces through me like dark, cold triggers on a very weak night.

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 7

The room without being there.

As I walk out of the Observatory, on my way to the cozy fireplace, I turn left to walk beside the Fence of Memory. When I do, it instantly starts to blink – and it looks like it is being turned on like a television – the screen showing the universe zoomed out until it stops at something odd: it looks like a library floating out in space!

I have to stop and study this phenomenon. When I reach out my hand to try touch it, it feels hard and solid, and I realize that I am touching one of the shelves. It spins lightly around like it never reaches the ground, and when I grab the front of the shelf, it is instantly locked to my hand. When I take my hand back again, it immediately releases itself from my “grasp.”

I now try to take out a book, and a purple one follows. I read the front of it: “Self Worth.” I take the book with me as I walk back to the fireplace.

Wait – what fireplace? When I enter the room that I previously warmed myself in, where I ate a cup and drank a heavenly drink – it is no longer there. Instead, I am outside – but I am not cold. The tons of snow that I walk in isn’t raw, and I bend down to touch it: the same as I felt in the beginning – soft and warm and very mysterious!

I look around. It seems like I am in a garden. When I walk past some trees with layers of snow on them – I see a house with warm and inviting windows. I stare at the windows: inside I can see my living room, with the fireplace and everything that I have decorated. I walk around the house to find the door. But there is nothing there.

The fireplace crackles like it did – and I can’t get in there. I start to walk around in the garden to see what it is that I can do.

Halfway desperate I stand there without knowing what to do. It looks like the fireplace crackles like it did – and I can’t get in there. I start to walk around in the garden to see what it is that I can do.

I smile when I start to collect the snow that acts like it wants to be molded into some shape. I laugh a little, and then I begin to sing.

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 6

A Game of Riddles

I feel embarrassed as soon as I realize that I have no idea about anything this day. That I actually know so little, and apparently, I should have known more.

I continue to stand there before I look down at the floor: nebulas are floating around inside of the tiles, they travel distances here, and there, circling, unifying, dividing.

Then I suddenly hear it. The silence. The profound feeling of going to the first desk to look at what the man was looking at moments before. I find myself missing this stranger that understood me so well, perhaps more than I have ever realized myself.

I bend over the desk while I slowly open the scroll on it.

There, poem shines in a golden bronze glow:

You may be all alone
here at your Cosmic Throne
remember: be aware,
how we always are there
and that this is your place:
but other’s people’s grace.

I stop to reflect on those words, and I study the walls of the Observatory: more like bookshelves following the round shape of the building. My eyes widen: these are all books about the stars? The fascination rise in me, and I shake my head to continue to concentrate.

Soon I walk over to the other desk, looking at the second scroll the man was studying. There I see a beautiful drawing of several round shapes. They are different and contain different things. One of them includes a church. Another one looks like a beautiful garden. The third is full of stars and nebulas.

Only two words are glowing, almost floating from the scroll:
Go back.

I immediately understand, and I turn around to run back to the cozy fireplace.

If it is a riddle-game he wants, he is getting one!

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 5

 

A bronzed telecope and a storyline in the stars.

The smell of the room witnesses an era of great wisdom. The man walks into the Observatory in front of me, managing around like he built the place. He lits fire in some ancient lamps, and the smell immediately fills the air and reminds me of long lost memories I’ve never had.

He continues into the end of the round room – bending over a desk with some scrolls on it. Then he nods and continues over to another desk.

I stand at the entrance, suddenly realizing that this is my place and that I should have known it the way he does. I also realize that I’ve never touched these scrolls before, nor have I been here. Who has then?

I hear him chuckle, and say: “That is why I am here!”

He turns around, and he smiles at me. I am beginning to get used to his soft, radiant smiles and before I open my mouth to ask what he means, he points up to the stars.

“Look!”

I walk slowly towards the bronzed telescope. The minute I touch it, the roof starts to move away silently. The sparkling sky sings to me, and I stand in awe to study the glimmering lights, all talking to me at the same time.

Tiny little stories, so far away, yet so very close.

I look into the telescope, and I see:

Glittered nebulas, songs of fog and skies
meteorites dancing through vacuum of stories
and I see golden, radiant lights,
pulsating, some smaller than others,
they are like little bronze bubbles
and I open my mouth to ask
what it is
but I cannot seem to find
any sound on my tongue.

I step back from the telescope, suddenly laughing, standing there with my mouth open, nothing to say, I am empty of words but full of fascination and awe!

Yes, and isn’t that wonderful, my dear? Hold onto that thought, for now, it begins!

He snaps his fingers, and suddenly the man is gone. I turn around several times but for no use. I find myself continuing to laugh as I have no idea what to do next.

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 4

In the Christmas Corner a crackling fireplace is lit.

I don’t know why, but this day I walk into my Backyard with snow on all of me: I am in need of stomping the ground several times and this gives me a feeling of dancing – I want to dance, I want to feel free again.

Wait – again? Why do I need to feel free again? What happened with my freedom? I reflect on this as I take off my coat and hang it on a most wonderful coat stand – it is in light bronze and is filled with snow, or at least it looks like snow, for when I touch it – it only feels warm and very soft.

I take some of the “snow” with me, touching it calms me, it makes my hands soft and my heart numb and that feels wonderful at this time. I understand that I need to feel calm, relaxed. The furniture is inviting me to come closer to the fireplace, and I do come closer, I sit down in one of the groups and quite puzzled I look around: did I make all this? Sure, I have used this place for several years now – a sanctuary to escape into when things are so dark that I can feel this way too familiar rock bottom. I’ve even been underneath rock bottom, in some periods of my life I was wondering how far down I really could come. Still, I do, but not with hatred anymore. I always carry a lantern with me, and always a mirror!

If my Backyard has taught me anything it is that it is never worth it to hate yourself for your own, or other’s mistakes. Because in the long run, it does not matter who did wrong. It matters how to react, and this, one can only do in one’s own self.

As I look at the shelf above the fireplace, I see some caramelized apples on a tray, sprinkled with green mint and a little bit of salt.

I stand up to take one, as I hear a voice. It comes from a man with golden, brown beard, and he wears red and gold-colored clothes. The man smiles at me, and he bows politely:

“Ah! There you are, Little One, I was waiting for you.
Seems like you got my message!”

I look at the man with wide eyes. I could not remember getting any messages.

 

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 1