Tag Archives: self love

Self-Worth and Herbs.

I breathe in slowly, close my eyes and try to focus on the task. As I breathe, I work hard with keeping my hands steady, breathing in warmth through them, out to this individual on the floor. I must remember how to breathe in, to choose the way of breathing. As I feel the air filling my lungs, I get the sensation of relaxing. My hands are warm, and the connection between this person lying there and me is tied up with threads of energy.

Then, I peek. I look at the two others who are sitting there, consumed by their concentration. I feel how they are centered – their mere presence makes me calm and content. That is when it hits me – I do not belong here – I am not good enough for this task – I am not enough.

The patient gasps, his eyes open, it looks like he is in great pain. The other two wake up from their trance – they look at him, comfort and keep him down and steady – but I, I want to withdraw my hands. Something keeps me in place, though. This feeling of not wanting to abandon me again. I have done that so many times before, each time more painful than the other – but I can change, and I want it to be different from now on. I know I cannot keep too big promises as I am a mere human being – but I can have the will and the true wish of wanting to change.

The picture dissolves. The temple is gone, so is the patient and the other two Therapists. I am left kneeling on a field of grass, summer wind touches my hair, sun laughs at my skin. I have a yellow dress, I want to stand up, but instead, I let myself fall to the ground – My face rests in the grass straws, some flowers, a couple that I have seen before – others not. I smell, I let my hands and fingers dig into the soil and roots, I release out a relieved sigh as I feel that I belong.

When I roll around to face the sky and its answers, I see the last therapist stand there, looking down at me with a smile. I get up. In his hands, I can see several plants – or herbs – peeking up from his fingers.

“It is good to have decided to want to change. The question is: what to do next? Not to get caught up in that question forever – just for a little while.”

He hands me the herbs, and as I feel their consistency within my hands, the landscape changes once again. Now, I sit on a roof, made out of glass. I can see my own Cosmic Backyard from here – my cozy fireplace, the observatory, the alien herbarium at the very beginning of the guiding tour… Those three herbs sparkle in a way, I have to pick them up and study them. Three different shapes, characteristics. While one is transparent, the other is light red, and the third is more of a purple color.

As I study the herbs in my hands, I notice that someone is looking at me from the antique living room. I can see that it is my very old alien guide and great friend – T’lar.

Cosmic Backyard’s Delayed Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 18

The Lady of Gold.

I close my eyes as the golden light fills the room – being used to the darkness, I am in pain for some moments.  I use my hand as protection and wait. When ready, I see a great hall with walls, and columns covered in gold. As I take my first step towards the woman hovering above the floor, a great echo hits the walls – it is like each step that I take is confirmed by the universal plan of existence!

For some reason, I want to look up. I get touched by how the stars still are there, following my every path, looking at my life from an angle of great love. I also love how the light hits the walls and continues upwards towards the sky. This, for some reason, reminds me of an old, Egyptian temple. I look around, trying to find some clues – and of course: I find the monolith. I also see the entrance towards Naos – the most sacred part of an Egyptian temple. I suddenly feel nervous, and I swallow as I start to walk again – each step slamming back against me, as a

Question – Answer

or an

Action – Consequence

Until I stand there, in front of the woman, who, only moments earlier – looked like a dark lady, a tired version of myself. Now, she looks like a queen.

Her soft smile makes me want to laugh nervously. She still wears my face!

She salutes me. I mirror her actions.

“Do you understand?” she asks, looking at me with depth.

I let myself think. I frown. Breathe in, then out.

“You were – a dark part of me. Something happened to you – or me – or…”

She nods, and her previous chuckling as the dark lady is absent. I start to wonder why.

She answers. “It is because you have lifted one of your dark aspects into the light. It is a very demanding process, and I am not just the beginning of something else. In time, you will see that I go back to a little more darker state – until I reach the golden middle-way. I will get my giggling back then.”

I don’t know what to say. My darkness had more humor than my light? I start to laugh, and suddenly I am very grateful for being on both sides in a way.

She smiles now. “Yes – this is because you see the light as something serious – something to strive for, your morale, ethics, the right from wrong – the seriousness of life. You have never embraced your humor, so it fits into your darker aspects. When you have worked with this for some time – and your humor is out in the light – it will be present both places, in perfect balance.” 

I nod. “Wow, that actually sounds pretty awesome!”

She smiles. “It does, doesn’t it?”

“So,” I continue, looking down at the pink nebula tiles, “what’s next?”

She raises an arm and says:

Two out of three – is done!

Left is one

go through the Sun!”

And with that – the golden lady disappears.


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 16 

Terrifying Truth.

It looks like she is thinking about what to say next.

I stare at the cosmic picture on the wall. Or is it a window? I want to touch it, but I don’t dare. What to say, and not say in this space? If this indeed is my darker aspect, shouldn’t I be scared, or at least careful?

She chuckles.

“We know what you think, dearest! Of course, we do! This is your mind, your consciousness – what did you expect?” her smile makes me shiver down the spine, and suddenly I feel very much ashamed for all that I’ve been thinking about her. How could I not realize that? After all, the mystical man always seemed to answer my thoughts, and I didn’t even question it.

My darker side started to laugh, and it was heartfelt. “I see, but don’t you understand – the whole point of you being here is seeing me – what you do not want to see, or admit to yourself – all that you despise about yourself – at least in doses. Seeing too much will make you so much ashamed that you cannot think straight.”

For the first time since I got here, I felt a moment of peace. I just observed her and felt curiousness flowing through my body. The clean feeling of being interested and exited in something unknown. Now, I don’t think she looks that bad.

“What is it that I hate about myself, then?” I ask.

She bows to me. “Your inability to save the world, my dear. You want to save everyone on your dear planet. You want to make everything okay.”

I shrug my shoulders. “Who doesn’t?”

“Not everyone wants it to be good again. The good is something really scary for many. Did you know that? Humans are afraid of the Light they are seeking.”

Now, I raise a brow and shake my head. “Only my darker side could have said something like that. That is a horrible thing to say!”

She looks at the cosmic window. “Not everyone wants to evolve. A lot of people wants to just enjoy themselves and nothing more. They want everything to be okay just like status quo is. That is not the same as fighting for the right thing.”

I cough. “You say enjoyment is wrong? Why don’t the people have their right to be happy?”

She shakes her head again. “It’s not about being happy. I am not questioning the human right of being able to feel joy and happiness. But about how humans use happiness as an escape from the realities.”

I breathe in slowly. “If I focus on the negativity I’d end up like you!” The words come out harsher than I anticipated but I don’t care as I feel a rising need to make her understand how I am right and she is wrong.

She chuckles again. “No. I am not talking about focusing on the negative of the world. One needs to focus on the positive – but the first step is realizing where you stand – without seeing that one cannot build the house of future!”

As I am silenced for a while, she continues. “So, seeing the negative and cruel in the world – staying in both an emphatic state and a state of overview – fight the cause and then let go. That is the recipe for human power. And I mean power as in realizing who you really are as a species, where you are from and what you are supposed to be.This will lead to the world that you want.”

I don’t know what to say. Nor if I understood what she meant. I feel a terrifying fear of listening more to my darkest aspects. What if I believe her?

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 14

About being ready.

This time, my little living room is even more decorated: socks hanging from the fireplace – they are dark/velvet blue with loads of glitter on them – making them look like they are the Cosmic Well of Wishes themselves.

I look up, and I see loads of festoons, shining in dark red and gold. I breathe in and smell something that reminds me of gingerbread.

The most breathtaking is though something completely else – I look out of the windows. Somehow the doors next to the porches are closed, and outside I can only see darkness, stars sparkling and a moon shining where the reflection is not in the way.

“What?!” I express, as I walk to one of the windows. I press my nose to the glass, framing my eyes with my hands – and I see snow – loads of snow.

“Isn’t it marvelous? I mean, how the mind works? You could make a life for yourself just staying here. You have done your visualizations so nicely, you are tuned in as much as a human being can be. But this is not the reason for you being here – is it?”

I turn around, for the first time studying him like someone I really know. In a way, I remember him. I remember this mysterious man, but the memories sit in my heart, even longer inside of me – from the point of where I cannot describe it anymore. From a very profound and indescribable place.

“How can I be… this good at visualizing? Why? I chose this. Why?”

The man chuckled. He walked towards the fireplace, sitting down in a similar chair like the one where we ate cups.

“This is your place. You invited me as well. So – you tell me!”

I feel stuck. I suppose, in a way – I am. If I did invite this man over to my very own sanctuary, it had to be for a reason. But I didn’t know that. Whatever it was, it had to be significant.

“Tell me. Why are you alive?”

The question struck me with fear. Why would he ask me about that?

“I… guess it is because I love to live? I do love my life sometimes. I love it deep and profoundly when those moments occur.”

He nods. Looks into the sparkling fire. I know he understands.

“Tell me more,” he encourages, almost spiritually lifting me up in the air with the gestures that he makes.

I look at the fire myself. The way it crackles. The way the sound of the fire speaks to me, my warm cheeks, my pulsating heart.

I close my eyes. I speak.

“It is because I was and still am in love with life.The way it happens. The way Universe creates itself. I know how it can speak – and it speaks directly to me. Through me. My heart’s voice is of cosmos, we are all of Cosmos, and I am allowing it to happen. I am here because of that. Because of what I know.” 

He smiles again. While nodding, he looks at me. His eyes sparkle in light-blue, like the ice on the horizon on a cold day. The fresh type.

“Yes. We know. And we also know that you are ready for this.”


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 10

This is how the humans see it:

Golden spheres on tectonic plates

Feathered wings surrounding spheres

creatures of light transform into

beings of transcendent tales

a leveled structure of atomic concentrations

are what we see:

For we live, and grow and breathe

in a box