Tag Archives: self-worth

Roof of Glass and Sorrow.

“You know it is time for you to write My Cosmic Backyard, don’t you? May I ask why my Dear Friend postpones?”

I stare at my friend with an open mouth, stunned by the question.

“I… don’t know. I want to, but…”

T’lar smiles at me. He bows.

“You are afraid that your human family will disapprove of you.”

I don’t know what to answer. I know he is right.

“You have to understand this now – not every human on Earth will love you. Or like you. It is not constructed that way. When you take place into the light, the contrasts will show.”

I shake my head. “I just don’t understand why it has to be like that. I start to not care about being liked or not, I mean how things are constructed. Why do I have to take place? Why can’t I just create and be happy? And then the rest will follow? Not fame, or admiration but just being here, doing what you like? I know our system is constructed to make us feel weak, vulnerable, in danger, imprisoned. Why can’t we just be free… safe… with endless possibilities?”

Although he is under me, I can see his eyes clearly. I observe how the universe speaks in them, and his warm smile against me makes me believe that the universe truly loves me.

“You are here for a reason. You have to trust. You have to show faith. You just have to. Not because there is any God who demands it – but because you create your own reality every day. As long as you don’t believe in yourself – so it is done! You are here for your own life. You have but one compass – your inner guide, your inner feelings. Follow them!”

As I look down, I am in tears. I have seen so much pain. So much sorrow. I remember it – piercing through my body like aching, moaning scars. I could never do anything about it – only watch and observe. I wanted to give myself the blame, but how can one try to assign responsibility to a child? It’s all a lie because I just cannot comprehend, nor understand the pain.

“But is this an excuse for not doing what you want, Victoria?”

He bows to me, and the herbs that I hold float up, then down, landing in one of his hands.

“Let the herbs show you the way. Write about this. Then, you have a long journey in front of you!”

It feels better. I nod. “Why haven’t you said this to me before? Why now?”

T’lar chuckles.

“My Dear. You asked for it. And so I answered.”

He turns around to go but turns back. Looks at me for a long time.

“You know, they never really asked for help. If they had asked for it, for help, like in truth, like in really “I need help to solve this task, I need assistance as a grown-up human being – solving my own challenges” – they would have. But they didn’t. They never did. They only believed that they weren’t worthy of such help. And so they prayed – but they prayed in the most typical manner:

“Lord, I do not deserve your love, but I do ask for help, help me from this suffering, help me. I cannot stand this anymore.” but what did they really say?

They said: “I do not approve of myself. I am not worthy. I want you to show me that I am worthy.” But one cannot ask others for something that they cannot do themselves. They got their lives as gifts from the universe. First, they need to approve those gifts. It’s the law of the universe. And the question is: are you going to do the same? Are you going to hate yourself the same way they did?

As he turns around to go, I can feel his hand on my back. How that is possible with the distance between us, I don’t know. But I do let myself fall down from the glass roof, I land on the floor beneath me. It doesn’t hurt. I just lie there in a pile of deep, deep sorrow. I know I have to let them go now. I know it is time.

And that makes me cry even more.

Cosmic Backyard’s Delayed Christmas Calendar 2017 //
Cosmic Journey:
Christmas Corner Part 19

Self-Worth and Herbs.

I breathe in slowly, close my eyes and try to focus on the task. As I breathe, I work hard with keeping my hands steady, breathing in warmth through them, out to this individual on the floor. I must remember how to breathe in, to choose the way of breathing. As I feel the air filling my lungs, I get the sensation of relaxing. My hands are warm, and the connection between this person lying there and me is tied up with threads of energy.

Then, I peek. I look at the two others who are sitting there, consumed by their concentration. I feel how they are centered – their mere presence makes me calm and content. That is when it hits me – I do not belong here – I am not good enough for this task – I am not enough.

The patient gasps, his eyes open, it looks like he is in great pain. The other two wake up from their trance – they look at him, comfort and keep him down and steady – but I, I want to withdraw my hands. Something keeps me in place, though. This feeling of not wanting to abandon me again. I have done that so many times before, each time more painful than the other – but I can change, and I want it to be different from now on. I know I cannot keep too big promises as I am a mere human being – but I can have the will and the true wish of wanting to change.

The picture dissolves. The temple is gone, so is the patient and the other two Therapists. I am left kneeling on a field of grass, summer wind touches my hair, sun laughs at my skin. I have a yellow dress, I want to stand up, but instead, I let myself fall to the ground – My face rests in the grass straws, some flowers, a couple that I have seen before – others not. I smell, I let my hands and fingers dig into the soil and roots, I release out a relieved sigh as I feel that I belong.

When I roll around to face the sky and its answers, I see the last therapist stand there, looking down at me with a smile. I get up. In his hands, I can see several plants – or herbs – peeking up from his fingers.

“It is good to have decided to want to change. The question is: what to do next? Not to get caught up in that question forever – just for a little while.”

He hands me the herbs, and as I feel their consistency within my hands, the landscape changes once again. Now, I sit on a roof, made out of glass. I can see my own Cosmic Backyard from here – my cozy fireplace, the observatory, the alien herbarium at the very beginning of the guiding tour… Those three herbs sparkle in a way, I have to pick them up and study them. Three different shapes, characteristics. While one is transparent, the other is light red, and the third is more of a purple color.

As I study the herbs in my hands, I notice that someone is looking at me from the antique living room. I can see that it is my very old alien guide and great friend – T’lar.

Cosmic Backyard’s Delayed Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 18

The Therapists.

When I stand yet alone again, I try to remember what she – or what I – said.

“… left is one… sun! Go through the sun!”

I immediately turn around to try to find out what she was talking about. Did she perhaps mean the golden colors here – is there a door I can enter?

Yes. Three entrances. But none of them feel right… if not…

I look at the monolith and react when I see a symbol of a sun. Eagerly I trace the pattern with my finger, finding out that it looks like a path. First through one portal, then another.

I then turn around once more and head for the door in the middle. Intuitively I feel that this has something to do with the middle road between darkness and light. As soon as I enter the entrance in the middle, I see a new one; this has the symbol of a sun over it.

I run as I am eager to find out. It looks like I am entering a type of temple garden. Around me, I see several columns – all with ancient hieroglyphs lined up like in a book. I remember what I have read about the Mystery Schools in old times, so I feel the goosebumps on my arms.

Alongside the walls are little roads of water, and as I hear it dribbling, I feel content. Until I hear a moan somewhere further inside the temple garden.

When I get to the source, I see that we are not alone; three individuals clothed in white draperies are sitting around the patient, and I immediately recognize them.

“No… It can’t be!!” I eagerly whisper to myself.

At the same time, one of them spots me. He waves with his hand to show me that I have to come closer, and I do without hesitating.

He stands up and whispers.

“I have to go and get some herbs. I need you to take my place for a while.”

I take a step backward.”What? I cannot… I… have never healed like you do! I’ll ruin the balance of three for sure!” I shake my head, as to confirm my belief of me not being able to lay my hands on this sick individual lying on the floor.

The stranger shakes his head. “You’ll have to. You know you can, as I know you can. Don’t you remember?”

I open my mouth to say “no,” but I realize that the other two are looking at me, and therefore I really don’t feel like it. Instead, I take the strangers place, put my hands where I know they should be, and close my eyes. A feeling of shame creeps up my cheeks, through my temples and further back on my head. My hairline tickles, and I slowly breathe in.

I start to listen to the stranger’s footsteps, as I really hope that he returns soon.

I am after all – not worthy of this.


Cosmic Backyard’s Delayed Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 17 

The Lady of Gold.

I close my eyes as the golden light fills the room – being used to the darkness, I am in pain for some moments.  I use my hand as protection and wait. When ready, I see a great hall with walls, and columns covered in gold. As I take my first step towards the woman hovering above the floor, a great echo hits the walls – it is like each step that I take is confirmed by the universal plan of existence!

For some reason, I want to look up. I get touched by how the stars still are there, following my every path, looking at my life from an angle of great love. I also love how the light hits the walls and continues upwards towards the sky. This, for some reason, reminds me of an old, Egyptian temple. I look around, trying to find some clues – and of course: I find the monolith. I also see the entrance towards Naos – the most sacred part of an Egyptian temple. I suddenly feel nervous, and I swallow as I start to walk again – each step slamming back against me, as a

Question – Answer

or an

Action – Consequence

Until I stand there, in front of the woman, who, only moments earlier – looked like a dark lady, a tired version of myself. Now, she looks like a queen.

Her soft smile makes me want to laugh nervously. She still wears my face!

She salutes me. I mirror her actions.

“Do you understand?” she asks, looking at me with depth.

I let myself think. I frown. Breathe in, then out.

“You were – a dark part of me. Something happened to you – or me – or…”

She nods, and her previous chuckling as the dark lady is absent. I start to wonder why.

She answers. “It is because you have lifted one of your dark aspects into the light. It is a very demanding process, and I am not just the beginning of something else. In time, you will see that I go back to a little more darker state – until I reach the golden middle-way. I will get my giggling back then.”

I don’t know what to say. My darkness had more humor than my light? I start to laugh, and suddenly I am very grateful for being on both sides in a way.

She smiles now. “Yes – this is because you see the light as something serious – something to strive for, your morale, ethics, the right from wrong – the seriousness of life. You have never embraced your humor, so it fits into your darker aspects. When you have worked with this for some time – and your humor is out in the light – it will be present both places, in perfect balance.” 

I nod. “Wow, that actually sounds pretty awesome!”

She smiles. “It does, doesn’t it?”

“So,” I continue, looking down at the pink nebula tiles, “what’s next?”

She raises an arm and says:

Two out of three – is done!

Left is one

go through the Sun!”

And with that – the golden lady disappears.


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 16 

Soil to Self-Love.

She holds up the purple book named “Self Worth” – the one that I found in that floating library in space. Something immediately happens inside of me; I crack, hard surface turns to soft, tension to relief.

“It looks like you forgot this at the table?”

Her eyes glow as she hands it to me. I take it and softly caress the front slowly with my one hand. I try to open it – but it is locked.

“Not yet,” she says, blinking an eye.

I look at it for a long time before I push it against my chest. I want to cry. A dusty feeling of grief reaches the surface. I breathe in slowly. It hurts in my throat.

One of my most significant crimes has been not… loving myself. All those times I’ve given myself negative thoughts. All those times I’ve cursed myself.

“For what?” I reply to myself.

The dark lady nods. She turns around, picks up something and comes back. A cup of tea is placed in my hands.

I didn’t even react to the fact that a ghostly being could carry anything. After all – this is my mind, and I am the creator.

Yes – I am. A creator. I look at the cup with the tea inside. I smell it.

It smells like
dry deserts in yellow sand
temples and harvest of
past, like rainy
seasons of praise
and the sun, warmth
of peace.

When I take a sip I guess that is what I feel as well: my grief softly turns to a breezing wind with warmth on top – the soft inside of me gets carried away in the wind, it travels to the rays of light – back to the sun.

I understand that this is a place that I can return to. That this is scenery made by me – for me. A place where I can feel free, relax and let go. I have to remember this for later.

When I look down in my tea again, a powerful voice comes bursting out from within. It tickles in every bone, and my whole being vibrates:

“If you do not feel the pain you cannot feel the joy.”

I let go of the tea: I hear the cup breaking.

“You are my soil to self-love!” I shout, almost manic:

“If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have been able to see the contrasts! One can also get lost in the light of the ego! The darkness is the soil we need to use to reach the light – in equal portions!”

The dark lady smiles, a most glorious laugh – and all that I know of darkness becomes gold.

Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 15