Tag Archives: writer

About being ready.

This time, my little living room is even more decorated: socks hanging from the fireplace – they are dark/velvet blue with loads of glitter on them – making them look like they are the Cosmic Well of Wishes themselves.

I look up, and I see loads of festoons, shining in dark red and gold. I breathe in and smell something that reminds me of gingerbread.

The most breathtaking is though something completely else – I look out of the windows. Somehow the doors next to the porches are closed, and outside I can only see darkness, stars sparkling and a moon shining where the reflection is not in the way.

“What?!” I express, as I walk to one of the windows. I press my nose to the glass, framing my eyes with my hands – and I see snow – loads of snow.

“Isn’t it marvelous? I mean, how the mind works? You could make a life for yourself just staying here. You have done your visualizations so nicely, you are tuned in as much as a human being can be. But this is not the reason for you being here – is it?”

I turn around, for the first time studying him like someone I really know. In a way, I remember him. I remember this mysterious man, but the memories sit in my heart, even longer inside of me – from the point of where I cannot describe it anymore. From a very profound and indescribable place.

“How can I be… this good at visualizing? Why? I chose this. Why?”

The man chuckled. He walked towards the fireplace, sitting down in a similar chair like the one where we ate cups.

“This is your place. You invited me as well. So – you tell me!”

I feel stuck. I suppose, in a way – I am. If I did invite this man over to my very own sanctuary, it had to be for a reason. But I didn’t know that. Whatever it was, it had to be significant.

“Tell me. Why are you alive?”

The question struck me with fear. Why would he ask me about that?

“I… guess it is because I love to live? I do love my life sometimes. I love it deep and profoundly when those moments occur.”

He nods. Looks into the sparkling fire. I know he understands.

“Tell me more,” he encourages, almost spiritually lifting me up in the air with the gestures that he makes.

I look at the fire myself. The way it crackles. The way the sound of the fire speaks to me, my warm cheeks, my pulsating heart.

I close my eyes. I speak.

“It is because I was and still am in love with life.The way it happens. The way Universe creates itself. I know how it can speak – and it speaks directly to me. Through me. My heart’s voice is of cosmos, we are all of Cosmos, and I am allowing it to happen. I am here because of that. Because of what I know.” 

He smiles again. While nodding, he looks at me. His eyes sparkle in light-blue, like the ice on the horizon on a cold day. The fresh type.

“Yes. We know. And we also know that you are ready for this.”


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 10

The Alchemical Process.

What I see activates all of my triggers at once. The sorrow that I’ve carried, all that I’ve been, lived, believed, felt and regretted comes up at once and I react by kneeling in front of the mirror immediately. My thoughts go to war, telling me to stop this nonsense and to just take it easy – continuing with my life, my pleasures and to forget all of this stupidity – but something inside of my fights against it.

I have always been afraid of this – meeting myself. Listening to the thoughts of murmur, of sorrow and despair. Al that I have lost. How can one carry all that one has lost? I have never found the answer, and thus I am terrified of knowing myself.

Knowing what, exactly? My weak spots? My past? I realize that it is just the pain itself in its most sincere and pure form. The pain that tears on me, day in and out, more when I am tired less when I am more relaxed. The pain itself is indeed terrifying, and I have no idea how to cope with it.

It is then I start to wonder about the meaning of life itself. Why live when you carry so much pain?  So much pain that it apparently is too much to bear. I could never find the answer, maybe until now. Something starts to make sense inside of me. When feelings and thought-patterns gather to form words, pictures, and precise, abstract meanings.

It is as if I hear the feeling talk:
“If you do not feel the pain you cannot feel the joy.”

I am in awe as I sit there on my knees, trying to take gentle, controlled breaths. This is how it is. The pain is a part of duality inside of humanity, and, thus, is the reason of why we feel joy the way we do.
Without darkness, one cannot see the light. Without light, one cannot understand the shadows. It is all apparent, profound and touching.

As I experience the merging of this thought-pattern and sudden feeling, I relax more than I’ve ever done before, a new freedom emerges from inside. The blue mirror melts away, and so do the cave walls. They change color to a tone of golden sun, and I feel like I am a thousand light-years easier than before. A thousand light-years of relief.


Cosmic Backyard’s Christmas Calendar 2017:
Christmas Corner Part 8

Machinery of Golden-Green aura.

The machine is quite extraordinary
as the wheel turns by itself
and the parts are connected by
an energetic field only
so soft and sublime
that the only sound you hear
is a kind of watery sound
that reminds you of
a beautiful fountain
and the color this machine makes
is a dark, golden green color.